Harry Potter and the Ouroboros of Innuendo
by marcelalternatus
Summary: Harry and Ron set out on a quest of their own. A hard quest. A long quest. A boys-only quest that might forever change their perception of what two boys alone can do, with nothing in their hands but their trusty wands.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  


"Why would anyone ever want something like that? Why would you even ask for that? Of course, dilation of the sphincter is, at times, used for medical purposes..."

Hermione wouldn't understand. Harry winked at Ron and they slipped away. This would be their quest, an all male quest. No women allowed.

They started at the library and squeezed past a snogging Hufflepuff couple.

"Jeez, these two are really getting at it …", Ron gasped, nudging Harry. But our intrepid protagonist was adamant on fulfilling his mission. For too long did he have to endure nothing but Ron's average size and girth. He hungered for more, especially now that he had been steered in the right direction by his friend and mentor.

He gave Ron a quick peck on the cheek and pulled him past the romancing couple, who, by now, had both pulled their stiff wands free.

"No, Ron, we don't have time for this now. Let's find that book …"

They were looking for a book called "Eldritch Secks Magixxx of Kosmiks The Girthy, Volume 3: Backdoor Shenanigans". They knew not to look in the public part of the library, walked past the restricted section and went straight for the "extremely-restricted-and-no-you-don't-even-want-to-ask-section" of the library. Some of the books here were chained to the shelves, but only those who liked it. A faint moaning was coming from between the heaps of parchment in the "periodicals"-section. Ron began to absentmindedly leave through yellowed copies of Gamewizard, while Harry let his hand run over the backs of countless sticky volumes.

"The Ether, Concerning Lubrication", he mumbled.

"No, that's too far."

"Decapitation and its use in eroticism, urgh." Too far again.

"Come on, Ron, help me look!"

Ron didn't protest, as he had seen half of the magazines in a very clandestine part of the Burrow already, where Percy used to spent most of his time during the summers.

They soon found the book they were looking for, though it was slightly misplaced. Triumph! The first part of their quest was done. Now they knew everything they needed to create the Elder Wand of Anal Penetration. Ron was baffled, though, by some of the muggle ingredients. Harry, however, knew right away what "5 AAA Batteries" meant.

"Your dad might be able to help us out on this one. He still collects plugs, doesn't he?"

"Oi mate, watch what you're saying about... oh. Oh, right, yeah, he does!"

They also needed some wood. Returning to the Gryffindor common room, they found plenty.

Ginny was there, too, explaining some of the finer points of wand-creation to Hermione. The latter, being muggle-born, knew nothing about it. She rejoined the boys as they clambered through the hole.

"Right, so I was talking to Ginny about your new wand. I'd like to join you after all."

"Sorry Hermione", Harry said, "this time it's boys only. It'd get too complicated to swap it around all the time, what with the two dormitories and all."

"Unfair!", she screamed, but Ron quickly promised to share his wand with her once he and Harry were done. This shut her up.

It was morning. The owls swooped into the Great Hall, packed to the rim with chattering students. Hedwig gingerly dropped a small parcel into Harry's waiting hand. He fed her crumbs off of his plate before opening the little envelope clumsily spellotaped to the parcel.

"Dear Harry, enclosed you will find these "Batteries" you asked me about. For once, it seems you asked me for something I don't, but Molly knows! At first, she protested quite loudly as I started packing them. But when I told her it was to further the education of our son and yours, his fine and dear friend, she was quick to agree. Please tell me what you need them for, exactly. Does it have to do with Vibracity, as Fred calls it? All the best, your friend, Arthur Weasley"

"Tonight is the night", Harry whispered to Ron, who turned pale and swallowed hard.

"Yeah, that's right friend, you better practice that", Harry went on, just as quietly but more determined. Ron dared to venture a shy smile.

"Perhaps we should let Hermione join after all? You know, just in case it gets too hard for us alone to handle …"

Hermione had looked over at the sound of her name, but they boys did their best to look inscrutable, even though sweat was beading on Ron's forehead.

Harry looked Ron square in the eye and said firmly:

„No girls, Ron, I told you. And besides, it's too hard already."

They had potions right after breakfast, and Snape was as insufferable as ever. Harry wrote a quick note to Ron:

"I can't wait to try out the EWAP tonight."

Snape, with his greasy hair and quick, slender fingers snatched up the piece of parchment before Ron could read it. He scanned it with dark eyes.

"Detention for you, Potter! Tonight, my office. And whatever this EWAP business of yours may be", and his eyes flashed dangerously, „I promise you this: Together, we shall get to the bottom of it!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

„Now, Potter. Shall we jump straight to the … invasive procedures, or would you like to use your mouth for a change?"

Harry was sitting in Snape's office, who was now towering above him, both hands firmly planted on Harry's table. Snape's greasy hair was falling into his face, almost tickling Harry's nose.

„My mouth, Sir?" Harry was trying to keep a straight face, even though Snape's hinting at invasive procedures had almost been enough to make him shiver. Snape had used his impressive prowess to probe Harry before. In fact, he had even given him private tutoring not too long ago, closely observed by the school's headmaster. All three of them had been very content with the results.

„Yes, your mouth, Potter, that thing you can't seem to keep shut whenever that Weasly-boy is around, but the pleasures of which you seem keen on withholding from me."

„I thought I was here for passing notes in your classroom, Sir?"

„You are here", began Snape, „to help me understand about this EWAP-business. Now, will you do so willingly or do I need to squeeze it out of you?"

Harry pondered his options. It had been a while since anyone had squeezed anything out of him, and experiencing Snape's undeniable mastery of extraction again was tempting. But what of his plans with Ron? This was all theirs, supposed to be all theirs; not something in which the meddling hands of their potions master had any place. No, Harry wasn't going to share anything about the EWAP with Snape, no matter how deft his manipulations might end up being. Harry was adamant on not letting anything spill.

Snape produced a vial of honey coloured liquid and presented it to Harry's curious eyes.

„This potion is called Allabor Prolapsio, and if you had been paying any attention in my class, you would know by now how to make it yourself."

Snape whisked the vial away with a flourish. It vanished somewhere deep down in the folds of his robes.

„Do you know what it does, Potter?"

„Yes sir, I do."

„Enlighten me, Potter."

„It reduces friction."

„An understatement, Potter! Allabor Prolapsio not only reduces friction, some say it even reverses it."

Snape whipped around and brought his face close to Harry's again.

„Do you know what that means, Potter?"

Harry swallowed hard. What it meant was that Snape's little vial could be extremely useful to Harry and Ron. Normally, they could just ask Hermione for any help related to potions, but they had decided to go it alone this time. And, much as Harry hated to admit it, when it came to potions (or friction), he usually struggled quite a bit.

„I can tell from your expression that you understand."

Snape's face hovered close to Harry's.

„This little vial would allow any one thing, no matter how big, no matter how … girthy, to comfortably slide, to snugly fit into anything else. Allabor Prolapsio makes all things penetrate with impunity."

Harry's resolve started to waver.

„You do enjoy … impunity, don't you Potter? All these quiet, nightly adventures with your little friends. It couldn't have been easy, getting into all the nooks and crannies you have explored. And now, your latest adventure. Perhaps the biggest challenge you've faced so far, isn't it? The EWAP. I wonder if this one won't involve some tight fits of its own."

At these words, Harry started to sweat profusely.

„Sir, er, I don't, that is, I'm not sure how to, how to …"

„Don't stutter, Potter."

Harry cleared his throat and tried to focus.

„Sir, would you be willing to part with that vial of Allabor Prolapsio?"

Snape lowered his voice. His next words made Harry think of a cobra that was about to strike.

„I could give it to you, Potter, and would be hardly any worse for wear. The question is this: Are you willing to reciprocate?"

„What … what do you want?"

„Come now, Potter, even you can't be that thickheaded." A faint, humourless smile played across Snape's lips. „I already told you what I want."

Harry nodded. Snape had indeed told him. And the dryness in his mouth wasn't going to make this any easier.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

„I do hope I am not interrupting anything important, Severus."

Equally startled, both Snape and Harry turned around. It was none other than the silver-haired headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, who had quietly opened the door and now stood there with a slightly disapproving look upon his face.

„Not at all, Headmaster", Snape replied acidly. „In fact, I believe Mr. Potter's time in detention is over now." Turning to Harry, he added, „You may go", before making for the doorway.

„Sir, what are you doing here?", Harry asked Dumbledore.

„Well, Harry, I realise that, up to now, I've been of the unfortunate habit of showing up only late into your adventures." Giving Harry a slight wink while he led him gently out into the hall, he added: „I felt like mixing it up a little, as they say these days."

They soon reached the headmaster's office. The large Gargoyle stepped aside and they entered.

„Now, Harry. The last time we spoke I gave you some rather specific instructions. I wonder if you have been able to enjoy the fruits of your labour so far."

Harry blushed a little.

„Well, Sir, Ron and I, we, we have created the Elder Wand of Anal Penetration, but we didn't have a chance to try it out, yet."

„What you need to understand, my young friend, is that I didn't steer you in the direction of the wand just for your own personal enjoyment", Dumbledore said with slightly amused tone. „After all, if it this was only about a girthy wand, I could have just gifted you with one from my collection."

Harry was speechless. He had heard rumours about Dumbledore's collection of wands, every single one won in close, personal combat with the world's mightiest wizards, each one fought over in strenuous, sweaty battles that raged on long into the night. Harry shuddered, thinking about his mentor, dressed for battle, sweat running down his long, silver beard, his wand held tightly between nimble yet unrelenting fingers, the explosions of fiery, glowing energy from its tip shot at his opponent, the unrelenting fury of the other wizard, sometimes even two or three or four other wizards, the relentless heat of battle, globs of magical energy being exchanged again and again …

Dumbledore cleared his throat.

„However, the reason I instructed you to create this very special wand had as much to do with your own enjoyment as it had with the safety of you and your friends."

Harry nodded and chased the images from his mind. One day, he was certain, he would stand tall and follow in the footsteps of these great men. But for now, he still had much to learn and even more to accomplish. And there still was that shadowy villain bent on snapping his wand in two …

Suddenly, there was a tenderness in Dumbledore's voice Harry had rarely heard before.

„Harry. Do you know from where a true wizard's power flows?"

This was a textbook question even Harry could answer. He didn't even need to ask Hermione first.

„A true wizard's power makes itself known in times of tumultuous excitement. It then erupts from a wizard's wand. Nothing can withstand this power, they say. It's a great power that can destroy, but more importantly, it can also create."

„Very good, Harry. But where does this power come from?"

Harry was stumped. He had learned a lot about the true wizard's power and ways of averting the disastrous consequences it could bring, the most effective of which, he remembered professor McGonagall saying, was to only practice it with students of the same sex.

„The true wizard's power, Harry, comes from his heart. Never forget that. It's not about the length of a wizard's wand, or its polish, or the places it's been. It's always about the wizard's heart, and the strength it can give to his wand. It's about having a strong and unyielding heart, no matter how daunting the challenges you're facing. No matter how tight a spot you might find yourself in, always remember to trust your heart. This will harden your resolve to push through them, and so you will do."

„I … I'm not sure I understand, sir", Harry mumbled.

„O, you will in time, my young friend, you will in time. But now, you will have to excuse me. A headmaster's tasks are many, and require to avert my attention from wands now and then."

Soon Harry found himself in the deserted Gryffindor common room. Dumbledore had given him quite a load to think about. Embers were still glowing in the fireplace. Nothing stirred. Harry sat down in one of the chairs and pulled his own wand free. He had thought so much about the EWAP lately, that he'd barely taken any time to admire his own little tool that had served him so well for such a long time. Dumbledore had said that it was the heart of a wizard that made his wand strong and powerful … did that mean, with a heart powerful enough, his wand would be even more powerful than the EWAP? While he contemplated these matters, almost out of habit, Harry let his fingers stroke and and glide over the smooth texture of his wand. He could feel the power laying in wait inside of it. His heart was beating fast. Dumbledore was right. There was a special connection Harry felt to his own wand, which he'd never feel to the half-magical, half-muggle artifact he and Ron had clobbered together. There was a lot of power in that as well, perhaps more than Harry held in his hand now, but he was sure, given the right time, the right amount of trust, the right amount of heart, and Harry's own wand would become as strong as any. Harry sighed. And wielding it would be forever more intimate than anything Kosmiks The Girthy could come up with.

„Harry! Where on earth have you … o my god …"

It was Hermione who had caught Harry red handed. Harry blushed deeply and tried frantically to put his wand away, which suddenly seemed a lot bigger and more unwieldy than just seconds ago. And it just wouldn't agree to being put away, the damn thing had a mind of its own.

Hermione just stared, then raised one eyebrow.

„Wait", she said simply.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Wh … what do you mean, wait?" Harry's hands were still tightly clutching his wand. He was acutely aware of that fact, as acutely as he was of Hermione's grinding stare.

Hermione came a step closer to Harry's chair. Her eyes were still glued to his wand. There was lump forming in his throat. He couldn't speak. His rigid wand twitched once, then another time. The magic wanted to come out, but it couldn't.

Finally, Hermione cleared her throat and sank down to her knees. Now she was looking up at Harry. When she spoke, Harry was almost shocked out of his stiffness. Almost. She said just one word:

"Please."

Harry tried to laugh, but all he could manage was to croak.

"Please, Harry. I've been helping you and Ron with your homework assignments all the time. Ginny explained to me about wands, but there's still so much I don't understand, so much no teacher here at Hogwarts will explain to me. Can't you help me out here? I'll do anything, Harry, anything!"

Suddenly, all the pressure seemed to lift from Harry. All Hermione wanted was some help in her studies! Harry could definitely do that. But seeing Hermione there in front of him, on her knees, begging, offering to do whatever he wanted her to do … it didn't make putting his wand away any easier. He tried stuffing it back into his pants once more. Hermione, however, wouldn't have it.

"Wait! Don't do that, Harry. This … this is exactly what I want to know about. You know … the true wizard's power? I know all about it, but … they never tell you anything about the true witch's power, do they?"

Harry was stumped. What was Hermione getting at? Surely she knew … Sure, she didn't know about that very special kind of wand-creation, but she knew where little wizards came from? He decided to play it safe.

"Well, er, Hermione, why don't you just tell me what you already know and I … I fill in the gaps?"

"O, Harry, I was hoping you would say that!" Hermione said happily. "Reading about the subject as much as I could has left some big, gaping holes, and I really do yearn for them to be filled."

She looked at Harry with big eyes, before she let her gaze wander back to his wand.

"So. I already know that a wizard's true power issues forth in times of ‚tumultous excitement', but it says nowhere what ‚tumultous excitement' exactly is. How excited do you have to get, Harry, and what kind of excitement do you need?"

"Well, you see …" Harry began to stutter.

"Were you practising just now when I came in, Harry? I've been watching you. You did seem rather excited – a lot more excited than you usually do when you're doing homework. Do you always stroke your wand when you practise this magic? Is that the secret? Would I need to stroke my wand as well to find my true witch's power?"

Had the situation been any less absurd, Harry might have laughed heartily. But the way things were, he could just stare dumbfoundedly at Hermione, who really seemed blissfully unaware of _Ollivander's ordinance_.

"Hermione, didn't … didn't Ollivander tell you what he tells anyone who buys from his shop?"

How strange if he hadn't! Usually, everyone at Hogwarts knew about it, even the lowliest of first year students.

"What? Garrick Ollivander? He did recite some kind of nursery rhyme when we went to pick up my wand, but I thought that was just some old superstition …"

Harry racked his brain to remember the exact words the old wandmaker had used.

"Remember this: Wands are made of wood, but all alone, wood's only wood, and not a wand. It's also true: A wizard needs a wand, but even so, a wizard's wood may swell as well. And mighty wizardry does therein dwell. A witch's wand stands wooden, too, not twofold though as wizards' do."

After Ollivander had finished reciting this text to Harry, he had, uncharacteristically for him, winked and added:  
"They'll teach you lot about the true wizard's power. Remember it all, young Mr. Potter, it goes double for someone as famous as you are."

Harry was snapped back to the present by Hermione's voice.

"Please Harry, what does it mean?"

"Well … I don't understand everything, but … ah! Now I know! Do you remember when you caught Ron and me duelling with our wands? This is what Ollivander meant with a twofold wand. And remember how McGonagall told us to never, ever practise the true wizard's power with a witch if we're a wizard, and vice versa? Well, that's why I do it with Ron."

Of course, he also had those "battles" with Ron because they felt amazing. And he also knew that it was perfectly safe for a witch to use her wand on a wizard to wake the true wizard's power, but those were details he didn't need to burden Hermione with. He never thought he'd say that, but his wonderfully smart friend was incredibly ignorant when it came to this side of magic. Maybe Ginny, who had already explained some of the more grown-up aspects of wandmaking to Hermione, would tell her more about that. His bottom tingled as he remembered the time she had found him in this very chair while he examined his wand. Perhaps Ginny would even agree to demonstrate on Harry while Hermione watched … he certainly wouldn't mind that.

"That … that … that is so unfair!"

Hermione stomped her foot.

"I can't believe it! You'd think after years and years of oppression in the wizarding world, a witch would finally have the same standing a wizard has! O, wizards are allowed to learn everything they can do with their wands, but witches aren't? What next, are we to sleep in the house elf quarters as well?"

"No, Hermione, you don't understand! It's for our own protection. The true wizard's power can be … dangerous, it can have lots and lots of unintended conse…"

Hermione didn't let him finish.

"If there's one thing I have learned here, Harry, is that _everything's_ dangerous! This is a school, or supposed to be at least, but it's about as safe for us as playing in the middle of a highway would be! Mountain trolls, Harry, mountain trolls, death traps, giant, deadly spiders in the forest, dragons, bloodthirsty plants and three-headed monster dogs. I don't care if it's dangerous!"

And with that, she grabbed Harry's wand hard.

"I want, no, I _demand_ that we practice the true wizard's power together. And you better train as hard with me as you did with Ron, Harry. I can take anything, anything a wizard can take, if not more!"


End file.
